2021 is coming to an end. Yet another year has passed in a blink of an eye due to the pandemic. Thankfully, the restriction has eased off a little and we could all return to our almost-normal life. Some of us would have easily felt like nothing much was done, some of us could have gotten some reflecting work done and tried to stay productive whilst being stuck indoors.
Refusing to feel like the virus has defeated us, I tried to remain positive and productive by finding activities I could do to keep myself sane. That includes picking up reading, listening to podcasts, a lot of home-workout, working from home and a lot of Netflix! Not every day was a good day. On my down times, I looked for positive quotes on Pinterest and read self-help books just so I do not let my mind and emotions spiral.
During all that reading and podcast listening, I discovered the true meaning of self-work, self-love, self-whatever-you-want-to-call-it and I finally understand what those books and podcasts meant by having to look inwards. Self-love goes deeper than just being able to appreciate our time being alone, doing things that we love and learning to love ourselves when others mistreat us. It is not until I realised that I have some self-work to be done to learn that it is more than that.
Through a lot of reading, listening and self-reflecting, I’ve learned that my childhood trauma has shaped a certain attachment style when it comes to relationships and they are anxiety, always thinking or afraid that the other person is going to walk away, feeling like I could not rely on anyone and not knowing how healthy love or relationship looks like because I grew up feeling unworthy of love and to make it worse, not ever really having healthy romantic relationships before does not help to make things better.
Now, these attachment styles are applied to any relationship including family and friendships but I find my issues surface more in the romance section and different other behaviours in the family and friendship sections. We are all scratched goods at some point and we all come with some baggage, and this is mine.
My childhood or teenage years have definitely fucked me up in some ways. I never really talked about it and just buried it all behind me and now when I reflect on how I behave when it comes to romantic relationships, I realise I did project some of these anxious behaviours. And so, I want to heal what’s really troubling me, and I want to fix them to become a better person and a better partner. And that thought alone is a good start.
To do that, I have to learn to heal myself. Self-worth, mindfulness, kindness, forgiveness, understanding and compassion are all the things I have to re-learn for myself as they are not meant just for other people, they are also meant for us which we often forget, which I forget.
I now learn to be even more mindful with my emotions, acknowledge and be honest with my feelings, be kind to myself, have compassion for myself, let go, move on, forgive others and forgive myself for reacting in certain ways because I am still learning to be better and learning to know what I deserve.
Self-healing is a journey that anyone or myself have to walk through on our own, at our own pace and it is a journey only the individual would understand. It takes a lot of practice, patience and with the peace and strength that I am slowly feeling within, I know I am making progress and I intend to keep moving forward.
It’s been a while and I may not be ready to meet new people or ready for a partnership or relationship just yet, but with all the fulfilling inner work that I am doing and feeling, I feel that I am able to show others kindness and compassion even more. In my own time, I will be ready to put myself out there again, open up emotionally and hopefully find my forever person. Until then, I’m gonna stay focused on my goals and live life to the fullest. We all should.
